Friday, November 14, 2003

Forty Things You Have Never Heard Uttered By A Suthner*

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Daisy.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

* With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, whom I suspect is the spiritual father of these items, if not the actual author.

This entry has 2 comments:
    I've been a Southerner all my life and I have been known to utter a few of these lines. I do know quite a few of the people you're talking about though...
    Comment from fdtate313 - 11/20/03 12:42 AM

    Before being accused of Regional Snobbery, I should point out to all and sundry that I am married to a Suthner (Louisiana), these were sent to me by a Suthner (N. Carolina) and I'll probably move to the Southland one of these days if I ever figure out how to keep my beard from itching in the heat and humidity down there (as opposed to the heat I have been promised by some Suthren Baptists when I shuffle off this mortal coil). Hugs and kisses to y'all.

    Comment from olddog299 - 11/14/03 9:15 AM