The Newfie War
The American President was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. President " a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"
"Well Archie," The President replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is me, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
The President paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", the President asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
The President sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya"
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
The President was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.
"Mr President! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said the American President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
The tale above is taken from the “Groaners Corner” at Al and Kelly's Travel With The Bayfield Bunch blog. I sure hope my theft is treated by Al as the sincerest form of flattery, as I'm pretty sure most of my 45 or so readers probably don't read his marvelous missives. He's a man for whom the phrase “cantankerous codger” may have been invented. And, I am addicted to puns and Newfie jokes. It's a sickness, I know. They say that misery loves company. Welcome, company.