Tuesday Tickler - Political Correctness

Two doctors opened an office in a small town, and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next they tried: "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again. Then came: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives". Still not good. How about: "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again. So they tried: "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends".

Approved.

Monday Madness - A day late, a dollar short

Otto's suffering a case of post-election blues. So, "This week we'll choose one or the other of the following... my answers are in red.

1. bar soap or shower gel
2. cd's or cassettes
3. television movies or documentaries
4. wall calendar or desk calendar
5. dsl, cable, or dial-up
6. summer or winter
7. city or country
8. camping or stay in a hotel
9. gold or silver
10. fiction or non-fiction books
11. mashed potatoes or baked potatoes
12. ranch, italian, or catalina dressing
13. solid or spray deodorant

Be sure to get your questions and post a link to your answers in the comments to Monday Madness

The Sunday Brunch - Sweet Thang

Each week, Erica plys us with various illicit drugs and sexual favours, all to the point of eliciting responses to her weekly meme, The Sunday Brunch. This week's a particularly sweet one. Sign up and get your own questions mailed to you each week. Or, you can wait until Monday mornings and retireve them from the Atlas Jelly Jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch where they have marinated for 24 hours in morning dew and tobacco juice. Your choice.

"A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men."
- Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

1) What is your favorite flavor of M&Ms? Red.
2) Is there a special edition of candy that you wish they would make a permanent item on the shelves? They finally did - Almond Kisses
3) What is your favorite flavor of Hershey’s Kisses? Almond
4) What is your favorite candy bar? Mars
5) Do you prefer milk chocolate, dark chocolate or white chocolate? Milk Chocolate, baby. Smooth...

Have a great week and thanks for playing!

Unconcious Mutterings - Week 93

I say ... and you think ... ?

Childhood:: trauma
Ransom:: demands
Melissa:: Etheridge
Trust me:: A Likely Story ... NOT!
Report:: card
Give up:: Surrender
Nightgown:: Pajamas
Smokes:: Marlboros
Cookies & cream:: ice cream
Gameshow:: Limbo

Want to get your own words? Sign up at Lunaniña.com. Also, post a link to your answers in the comments there. Have a good week -- don't take any wooden nickels - just get change for a couple of dimes.

Saturday Six - Episode 31

Each week, that demented troll of a television producer, Pattboy92, burdened with overwhelming stress and responsibility, lets fly with the flattus we call "The Saturday Six."

If you'd like to join the fun, it's quite simple: to play you can either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place, or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link at Patrick's Place to your journal so that everyone else can visit! (And if you're playing for the first time, please be sure to say so in the comment -- tell him "Wil sent you!"!) Enjoy!

1. Who is the last house guest you invited into your home and was it a pleasant visit?
A young couple returning to Maine from the West Coast - the wife is a friend of SWMBO. Their children (both under 2) are hellions and we are not set up to host children. I'd say we were all glad when they got their own place.
2. Other than to work or school, where was the last place you drove?
To vote.
3. In terms of emergency supplies, how many of the following do you have in your home? A) Candles B) Fresh batteries C) Containers of bottled water
All of the above, as well as food, kerosene for lamps and heat, gasoline for vehicles. I've been "iced in" for 10 days here before.
4. You're invited to a pot-luck dinner: what specialty do you offer to bring? (It has to be something you can cook yourself, not something you bring from a store!)
A Wheat Pilaf dish, dessert actually, that I learned to cook from a bedouin woman. I have since substituted raisins for dates and maple syrup for blackstrap to make it my own dish.
5. Which of the following do you feel is the most true based on your own life experiences:
A) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
B) The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
C) To have a friend, you must first be a friend.
D) Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
E) Never judge a book by its cover.
F) The tree of knowledge bears the noblest fruit.

Choice "B" is a winner in my lexicon of experience, although "A" and "E" are also somewhat true.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #31 from Cherie: We have all watched movies and TV shows that have inspired us to want to do what the characters in the show are doing, (doctors, lawyers, politicians, fire fighters, etc). Has there ever been program that you watched that made you realize that the occupation of the characters was something you could NEVER become?

"Never say never" is a pithy nugget of wisdom. Fred Sanford turned me off to being a junk man, though.


Have a great weekend, folks. I'm going on a "Postal Turkey Shoot" with my friend Alphonse "Little Ricky" Genoviese. That's where we go down to the Post Office and shoot any turkey who refuses to get out of Little Ricky's way. Having friends in the Mafia is a trip, let me tell you...

THE TEST

Took THE TEST. Got the results. Fits me to a "T" -- wanna make something outta it?

I AM 83% ASSHOLE/BITCH!

I am one of those people that love to hear the sound of their voice. That and my lousy attitude make for a mixture as toxic as next-day-mexican-dinner-ass-drip.
Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

Thanks to sanantoniotexas at You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea.. and st0rmwhispers at Storms Whisper and Oceans Scream for the original linkage.

Weekend Assignment 33 - Sing, Song, Sunk

Each week, AOL's "Blogfather", John M Scalzi, celebrated author of the "Book of the Dumb" (Volumes 1 & 2), "Old Man's War" and several others, leaves the AOL Journal community a meme for the weekend on the front doorstep.

Wait, it's the cat who leaves a mole on the front doorstep.

John leaves a meme for your consideration and entertainment on his AOL Journal each week about this time. This week, it's about music. Sort of. Leave a link to your answer in the comments over at By The Way.

Weekend Assignment #33: You can have any person, past or present, sing any song for you that you want. What is the song, and who is singing it for you?

Extra credit: Name a singer you wish you could sing like, but can't. So that means even those of you with excellent voices have to pick someone you can't sing like.


Dear John,

Hope this finds you all in good health, or at least better and recuperating. And I hope you are having much more success finishing that Rough Guide than I have been having with my NaNoWriMo, tentatively titled Four Horsemen. Enough of writing and health issues. Let's get down to the really important stuff: wine, women and song. I'll bring the booze and the music (your taste in music is highly suspect) and you bring the women. Fair enough?

So, assuming enough cups of grog and attention from the gals, we are confronted with choosing a song and a singer to perform it. This is going to be tough. But given my druthers (and those were the terms specified), I would have to choose my former college roommate as the singer, Peter Havas. As a young man in France, he recorded a couple of singles and an album that was well received there, but did nothing here. Sadly, the US had moved to bubble gum and schlock rock in the mid-60's; there was no future here for a balladeer, raconteur and folk singer. I lost touch with Peter shortly after we split as roomies. I have heard that he has retired to France after running a successful Jaguar dealership in Southern Maine for many years. He has married a luscious French Attorney and he is attempting, with some success, to make a retirement living as a writer of children's stories. Peter had a clarion tone to his voice, excellent phrasing and a wicked good sense of humor he allowed to spill over into his performing. His rendition of Gordon Lightfoot's "Canadian Railroad Trilogy" and later, "The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" won high praise from Gordon himself. I so wish I had a tape from those days. So my choice, for very personal and nostalgic reasons, would be to listen to Peter Havas performing the "Canadian Railroad Trilogy." It brings tears to my eyes, just to remember it now, some 32 years later.

Now, understand that I once upon a time had an acceptable singing voice. Too many years of cigarettes, whiskey and bad choices, coupled with the damage done by surgeries and extended intubations, have rendered me little more than a humming accompanist. That is, if I can find and hold the key, stay on tune and remember the harmony or counterpoint to the song in question. So I admire singers and hold good ones in high esteem. If I could have anyone's voice, though, it would have to be Placido Domingo's. Imagine being able to do "Danny Boy" at the pub on sing-along night with that voice ... I'd have them crying in their bitters, I would.

So much for fantasies of singing and music. Time to get back to the grindstone, sharpen my mind and put some more words down. Snow is due tomorrow, so time to hunker down and get serious. Here's hoping your week goes well. Kisses all around for the gals and a hearty slap on the back for you, too, me boyo.

Grins and giggles,

Wil

Friday Funny - Riding Mower
Posted by Hello

Thoughts On This Veteran's Day 2004

Today is Veteran's Day. I wrote about the history of this day and it's meaning to all Americans last year. It's message is still relevant this year, sad to say. Nothing new to add to that discussion as it has been made abundantly clear that the majority of voters equate loyalty with patriotism, and patriotism with the office of the President of the United States. I suggest they all read "The Emperor's New Clothes" and ponder upon the relevance today.

Another 1500 US service men and women have given their lives this past year while on active duty or serving as a reserve-duty warrior for our country. I salute their valor and validate their sacrifice for our country so the rest of us need not get off our fat asses and even think about why we are the most hated, reviled society on the face of the planet.

Enjoy your holiday, if indeed your state recognizes this day of remembrance and your employer doesn't make you work it for economic reasons. Do remember there is more to life than money -- honoring our fallen comrades at arms is as honorable an activity as slicing and dicing on the sick and diseased amongst our ranks; it is certainly more honorable than asking, "Will that be cash or credit?"

Copies of the Annual Veteran's Day poster may be obtained via download for free from the United States' Department of Veterans Affairs.

Monday Madness: We Three Things Dis-Orient Are

Sherry must be riding Otto's back to get organized for winter again because he asks some damn fool questions for a guy ... Name 3 (or more, or less!) things...

1. ...you cannot live without.
Air to breathe, water to drink and food to sustain the metabolism.
2. ...you CAN live without, but cannot seem to part with.
My incomplete collection of the collected works of Carl Jung, my L.P.'s and my saxophone.
3. ...you wish to accomplish this COMING week.
Ready the plow truck for another winter, winterize the pipes, get the air conditioners out of the windows.
4. ...you have accomplished this PAST week.
Hmmm, nothing of significance come to mind.
5. ...on your holiday (or non-holiday) 'wish list.'
Books, CD's, some clothing. You can see most of the list here.
6. ...you would like to change about yourself.
Just about everything: age, weight, height, appearance, personality.
7. ...you like about yourself.
Nothing comes to mind, today.
8. ...you should be doing right now instead of what you ARE doing.
Writing my NaNoWriMo novel. Working on the truck. Fixing breakfast.
9. ...in your life that could use a little more organization.
Start with the biggie and work down ... my life, my wife, my mind, my desk, my books ... no one has ever mistaken my organized work persona with the real me in my everyday digs.

Have a good week. Avoid wooden nickels and Cabinet appointments if you value your sanity.

Get your own copy of the questions direct from Otto here. The post a link to the answers in your blog in the comments over at Otto's site. Ciao!

Sunday Brunch - Eat Your Veggies

The Sunday Brunch is up! (Finally, it wasn't up at 7AM when I did the other stuff this morning...)

"The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be
preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat
ourselves nor one another thus tenderly." - Henry David Thoreau

1) What is your favorite vegetable and your favorite fruit?
Sweet corn is my favorite vegetable. Tomatos are my favorite fruit.
2) How many servings of fruits and vegetables do you eat a day?
Generally four. If I am shy on required servings there is always juice. V-8 and I go back a long way.
3) Did your parents force you to eat vegetables when you were younger?
Yes. Wise on their part. I have dealt with others' children who are picky eaters -- absolutley ridiculous for some 4 y.o.snot-faced kid to be dictating food choices for an entire family.
4) What vegetable can you absolutely just not get down, no matter what
you are bribed with?
I have yet to meet such a vegetable. There are some which bring me more joy than others. Mostly, it is a matter of how the food is prepared.
5) What is your favorite way to eat fruit?
I prefer fruit in as near natural state as practical. So husked or peeled, chopped up in a mixed fruit salad is one of my favorites.

Thanks for playing! Get your own list of questions straight from the author's site. Don't forget to leave a link to your answers at the comments to this week's entry.

Unconcious Mutterings - Week 92

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Small Talk::wasting time
2. Evidence::circumstantial
3. Drifting::aimlessly
4. Hostage::situation
5. Beauty::skin deep
6. Automatic::manual
7. Asking for it::Bush
8. Visene::hangover
9. No string attached::Too good to be true
10. Frizz::bad hair day

Give the button a click if you'd like your own list.
Don't forget to leave a link to your answers over
on Lunanina.com

Saturday Six #30 - Reconciliation

Every weekend, Patrick asks a half dozen questions. Every weekend, I answer them. There seems to be a pattern, but I'm unable to discern it. Do you suppose I am too close to the events to see clearly?

1. If you could invent your own cable channel, what would it be called and what type of programming would it show?  It'd be called OFC - Old Fogey's Channel. And it would be geared to the sensibilities of the over 60-crowd. Depends, Ensure and Polident commercials, the major soaps, Lawrence Welk, Golden Girls and Murder She Wrote reruns ... you get the picture. It's an untapped market.

2.  What is your typical Thanksgiving dinner menu?
Roast Turkey, Stuffing, Smashed Potatoes, Candied Yams, Green Bean Casserole, mashed Squash or a Maple Syrup baked Acorn Squash instead of Yams, Apple and Pumpkin Pies for dessert.

3. What was your first job?  Was it within the career path you ultimately intended to pursue? Mowing lawns & nope - not even close. Then again, I never did have a clear career path. Life would have been simpler if I did.

4. You're at home by yourself:  do you prefer to wear shoes, slippers, socks only or go barefooted?
While I'd prefer to be barefoot, the only option most of the year is heavily insulated booties. This house is over 150 years old, was poorly made to start with and has had little or no maintenance.
5.What's your favorite restaurant appetizer? Broiled, stuffed mushrooms or crab rangoons, depending on where I eat out.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #30 from Carly: Do you have a single comment that was ever left that you really enjoyed to the point you still remember it?

Sadly (and this speaks to my own faults and deficiencies, not those of my commenters), no.

Get a copy of the questions for yourself over to Patrick's Place and leave a link to your answers to this week's questions in the comments over there.

What It's Really About

Right after the election, the victors usually gloat a little in this day and age (witness George Bush "Spending my political Capital" remarks yesterday), particularly after a campaign as hard fought and divisive as that which we have just concluded. Instead, Remo was magnanimous and expansive in a recent email. At the same time, he raised an interesting question. I thought y'all would benefit from our discussion. Remo gave his blessing to my sharing it with you, too. And just for grins and giggles, I include my reply for your edification because it struck a chord in me upon a second reading -- one that resonates with symbiotic energy. And in this time of dirty tricks, name-calling and rancor, it's nice to know I can rise above it. Well, sort of. See for yourself.

"Since you are likely more Libertarian-leaning than Republican (as am I), I'm interested in your take on the issue of the Libertarian and Green Party candidates being ARRESTED in St. Louis when they tried to serve their lawsuit at the debate.

I don't give third-party candidates a snowball's chance under the current system, but it just smacks of a Banana Republic junta to have these guys arrested when they were technically the third and fourth most-likely participants in the debates in the first place.

Where is Oliver Stone and Michael Moore when you need them?"

Remo

To which I replied:

Remo,

This country appears to have embraced divisiveness as a national philosophy, i.e. allowing for only two points of view. I suspect the majority has done this due to the extreme pluralism portrayed by the mainstream religion. To the vast majority, it is all about good and evil, black and white, rich and poor -- you name the issue, the majority allows for only two views: for it or against it. In such a world view, there is no room for shades of gray, nor for political viewpoints which only incorporate a portion of the mainstream mantra while retaining the "right" to think for themselves, no matter how "wrongheaded" they may be. Heck, it may even be a function of Romance languages in which only two states of matter exist: masculine and feminine.

If you agree with the oversimplification above, it then logically follows that anyone espousing employment of gray matter or, for that matter, shades of gray, in the decision making process is automatically suspect. There is no possible way that such a party or individual can become credentialed, because they are otherness, a state of matter or affairs outside of the known and accepted realm of experience. After all, just such a dichotomous state of affairs has been going on in the history of mankind since the very first cavewoman picked up a burning brand from a lightning-struck tree and wondered, "Gucci or Donna Karon?"

Arresting and subsequently killing and burying one's opponents was an acceptable method of dealing with the disloyal opposition up until the 17th century or so in Western Civilization (Eastern Civilization, never having aspired to any political system more grandiose nor plebeian than Distributed Dictatorships, has never confronted the issue of representative democracy. Perhaps the East can teach the West new tricks, eh, Dawg?).

Therefore, it should surprise no one that the Federal Election Commission, created and funded as an "independent agency" of the Federal Government by the bifurcated, bicameral, progress obstructive legislative machine known as Congress, being controlled wholly by the denizens the two party system, would brook no interference of it's quadrennial activities by the otherness. That they resorted to employing local, state or federal constabulary to accomplish it's goals is a given. After all, one of the two aforementioned parties control said constabulary and its airheads, er, administration at all times (save Burlington, Vermont - political home of Representative Bernie Sanders, Independent, neo-marxist and former Mayor. Then again, Vermont hasn't been right nor Right since Ethan Allen fell off the victory wagon and froze to death in the snow.)

In my not so humble opinion, arresting the advocates and candidates of the disenfranchised Left and Right was the appropriate response for the political Cro-Magnons in charge of things in Washington these days. God forbid the public even gets a hint that there might be divergent views out in the hinterlands...

Not likely to happen, though. Oliver Stone, Michael Moore and my own cousins, the Campbells, are all hanging around LA about now, schmoozing with the money men, trying to pitch docudramas on Bush's "landslide victory" or Kerry's "overwhelming defeat." They are interested in only one thing: Power.

wil

From the "Happy To See You " File...

As only Wonkette could: We Think It Happened During Cheney's Speech But That Doesn't Make It Any Less Creepy

As Wonkette's wardrobe malfunction operative noted: "Guess that speech was, uhm, pretty exciting."

[REUTERS/Rick Wilking]

Night The Music Died...

For all the good it did us, we voted. At least our electronic vote tabulator has a locked bin that all the ballots go into after being read by the electronic tabulator. Unlike past Presidential elections, it took a total of 15 minutes in line to vote, even though it was 30 minutes after the end of first shift and there was a fair group in line to vote. A good thing, too. It was just starting to rain in earnest when we got in through the door. Seems I recall it did the same thing last time around --
poured like Hell's own reservoir had sprung a leak. Maybe that was indicative of the disappointment to come.

It's now after 2:30 eastern time and supposedly the only thing in Bush's way is Ohio. It doesn't look good for the future of this country at all.

Unconcious Mutterings #91

Free Association. Get your own list of words by clicking on the link above or in the sidebar.

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Right now:: pronto
2. Halloween:: All Soul's Day
3. Provider:: Health Care
4. Rescue me:: Supremes
5. Confidence:: Over
6. Fungus:: Among Us
7. Candy corn:: dreams & pop corn skies
8. Reunion:: High School
9. Winner:: Loser
10. Tradition::Hide-bound

Have a great week, y'all. Tomorrow starts NaNoBlogMo - I'll keep you abreast of my progress in my writing blog, Snoozelets; the actual work will be able to be viewed over at Four Horsemen.

 

Wish me luck -- I'm going to need it. Anyone got some jimson weed? I can't have caffeine anymore...something is needed to accelerate the firing sequence of my neurons long about the middle of the month! (Note to DEA Agents and local LEO's - I'm just kidding. No, really. Nothing stronger than decaf coffee allowed to the old pooch. Doctor's orders. Anything stronger and that nice thumpa-thumpa starts sounding like Ricky Martin with his bollocks in a wringer. Shortly thereafter, I'll be needing one of those epitaphs below.)  

 

If a man says something in the woods and there's no women there, is he still wrong?

 

Monday Madness

Each week, Otto poses his questions and we answer. Each week, we post a link to our answers in the comments at his web site. It isn't rocket science...but what can you expect for a Monday morning?

I hope you've not answered these before, but if so, humor me and answer them again!

Do you.....

1. Code your own website or use a template?

Template, modified as I go along.

2. Use a digital camera or a film camera? If digital, do you print your own pictures, order them online, or send them out?

I use both. Film is processed at the local Sam's Club with 4X6 double prints the usual order, unless I know there are landscapes I want, the 5X7. They also are the only ones who do my panoramic pictures.

With the digital, prints are usually proofed by printing myself. If it is something I want on archival paper then I send out for prints and enlargements.

3. Make your own cards or buy them at a card shop?

Buy them. Also moving to e-cards slowly.

4. Draw your own graphics or get them from the internet?

Internet. Can't draw. Very sad.

5. Take showers or baths? Showers.

6. Make your own candles or buy them? And are they soy or paraffin?

Buy them, parafin but the favorites are beeswax for the smell.

7. Celebrate Halloween or not? Not.

8. Sleep in on weekends or get up early even if you don't have to go to work? Sleep.

9. Correct other people's grammar, or just let it go?

Mostly let it go. When I correct things, I tend towards foot-in-mouth disease.

Monday Morning Musing

May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof (White House). - John Adams, 2nd US President, and the first one to live in the White House (1735-1826)

I imagine that John Adams has been a regular whirling dervish in his grave since November 2, 2000. So let us end his vortexical torment. Get out tomorrow and vote. Vote the bastards out of office if you have any love for this country left. If it doesn't matter to you it sure as hell matters to the rest of us. Some reports say the determination of the election came down to a couple of hundred votes in Florida last time. If that isn't incentive enough, consider this. The next president will have the Herculean task of restoring the treasury to some semblance of order. Whose administration will achieve that? The friends of the man who gutted a surplus and ran up a debt so vast that it may take the efforts of your great-grandchildren to eliminate?

Are you one of the baby-boomers? How do you plan to spend your declining years? Have you practiced saying "Do you want fries with that order, Sonny?" Counting on nonexistent help from Social Security?

One of those sheep who believed the "Company" had your best welfare at heart, so put everything into the company retirement plan, only to let G.H.W.B's fiscal policy provide the Company with the biggest landfall ever seen, in the form of converted retirement set-asides? Have you scrimped and saved, sacrificed to the future for the good of your family and the generations to come? I didn't think so. The combination of the survivors elation of many of the troops returned from WWII and Korea, mixed with the horrors of the Great Depression that most experienced as children forged a generation that created, in your parents or grandparents, the drive to provide for the future.

Maybe you are one of the postwar generation, "Baby Boomers." The baby boomers are spendthrifts, given everything they ever desired and more; most of those gifts were squandered. They (we) possess a total disregard for the future, preferring a "the future will always take care of itself, Grasshopper," attitude. They think (thought) that Social Security would be enough -- it was for their parents.

Then there's the "Disaffected," AKA Gen-X, my children's peers. "Future? What future?" seems to be their credo. Meanwhile, their children have had even less discipline than they had and they were sorely lacking. And being clueless gits in the first place, they think Ronald Reagan, George H.W. and George W. are (were) all (choke) "Great Men" with absolutely no understanding of history to back up their misbegotten opinions.

Or, perhaps you are one of the forgotten generation -- the twenty-somethings struggling in an apocalyptic post-dot.com landscape to make heads or tails of the failure of the future you envisioned. Clueless of history, believers in a Technicolor, technological, polyglot future, where the solution to "problems" will be a few lines of code and a hit or two of "Exstasy." Get real. Because life is real, life is earnest. failure will leave you trodden down in the dust. No cell phone cum Palm Pilot cum camera cum walkie-talkie cum GPS cum tampon-pulling appliance will solve your ills or put food in your Technicolor refrigerator or on the plate at your favorite hash house.

All of us -- all of you have but one thing to do of earth-shattering importance tomorrow:

VOTE