John Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #114: Things You Like Now But Not Then
As we go on in life, we find things we didn't like when we young we develop an affinity for as we get older. With that in mind, here's your Weekend Assignment:
Weekend Assignment #114: Name a thing you like today, that your younger self would probably roll his or her eyes at. People, places, things, ideas, philosophies -- all of it is up for consideration.
“Pick a thing you didn't like earlier in your life that you have an appreciation for now.
Write about it in your blog or journal and then come back and leave a link here. It'll be fun.”
Extra Credit: Name something you didn't like then that you still don't like now.
Dear John,
Hope the Creeping Con Crud has loosened its grip and you are feeling more, shall we say, normal. If not, there's always a raw egg milk shake with cayenne pepper -=- that'll either cure what ails you, or give you something to be really sick about, heheheh.
My topic for this week's assignment is “Sobriety.” Back when I was a young man, from the time of my mother's death onward, a sober moment was a moment I should have spent stoned. It's a sordid story, which I am sure you'll find edifying...
When I was a young man, a much younger man than you, I was also sent off to a boarding school for an education. In my case, it produced an educated prig. Yep, a red, white and blue, Wall Street Journal reading, William F. Buckley, Jr. spouting, A-Number 1-sshole. No new ideas need apply. My initial college days were a blur of Young Republican rallies, recruiting dinners with the boys from the company and overtures from the local reps of my high school pal Joe Gallo. I was flying high, supporting the Vietnam War, earning spending money for school with a little wet work here and there.
Then I discovered drugs.
Marijuana, to be specific. Opened up a whole new vista. Gone was the stuffed starched shirt, the old school tie, those ugly gray flannels, that dyed-in-the-wool mindset. Hello munchies. Welcome, Mr. Paranoia. Make yourself comfortable, shit-for-brains. I lost all critical faculties I possessed. At least that was the way it seemed at the time.
I graduated from mary jane to the hard stuff fairly fast. Soon I was swilling 100 proof bourbon whiskey by the fifthful. Eight years of that kind of abuse and I hit rock bottom. My wife left me for a co-worker, my kids hated me, I couldn't hold a job and I was stoned-cold broke. My hands were no longer steady enough to pull a trigger; the company terminated my contract for plumbing services. Even La Cosa Nostra ceased their previously incessant late-night “service calls” in New York and Boston. I was all used up.
In retrospect, I have seen the error of my ways and I am now a card-carrying neo-con; a true member of the Axis of Asshole. Don't let my appearance fool you. I am as conservative as Rush Limbaugh and twice as oily (or should that be “unctuous”?). And, my aim is even better than it was before old Jack and I became drinking buddies. Contracts roll in from the big cities to the south. I am once again in demand up and down the east coast.
I like sobriety – it pays a whole lot better than being stoned.
Give my best to Krissy and Athena. See you in the funny papers. For your sake, I hope that's all you'll ever see of me ...
Ali “Carlos” Akbar
P.S. George Hiram Walker Bush and I share at least one thing in common – neither of us can stomach broccoli!
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