Weekend Assignment #69: New Ice Cream Flavors

John Scalzi, AOL Blogfather and hot fudge dipstick was overheard to underhandedly mutter: “It's been so argin'-fargin' hot around here recently that I thought a frosty cool Weekend Assignment might help out: Weekend Assignment #69: You've been hired to create a whole new ice cream flavor that's never been thought of before (so far as you know). What flavor do you create? For this assignment you can pick any flavor -- or combination of flavors -- that you like, but, you know, try to make it something that you'd actually want to eat. Also, try to give it an ice-creamy name, like how Ben & Jerry's chocolate and cherry ice cream is called "Cherry Garcia." Mmm... Cherry Garcia. Indeed, here's the Ben & Jerry's Flavor Graveyard, so you can see how the experts do their ice cream flavor labeling. Extra Credit: Oh, fine. Create an utterly inedible ice cream flavor, too. Try not to make it too gross, and definitely don't make it a TOS violation. But it can include ingredients that you wouldn't really put into food. Usually.”

Memoirs From The Ice Cream War

Howdy folks, Jerry Garcia here. No, not the Dead Head. Although, he was a cousin of mine, twice removed. Seems my Aunt Mabel was seeing this Rabbi on the side and...

Oops, getting off the subject of this week's assignment – ice cream flavors I have created. As an internationally known terrorist, er, uh, ice cream raccoon tour, impressive barrio, um, creator, I have had my share of successors, er, successes! Chunky Monkey, Juicy Lucy, Little Richard, Who-put-the-bop-in-the-mop, Chubby Hubby ... well, you get the idea.

But did you hear about my latest creation -- Ben & Jerry's newest flavor is politically incorrect, in a cute, anti-UN kind of way: Strawberry Land Mines – Fresh Strawberry Ice Cream with strawberry nuggets dipped in hot fudge and cashew pieces. It takes off like a native sitting on a Claymore! Heheheh

Rival Breyers came out with Tank Turds, chocolate ice cream with chocolate covered cherries rolled in peanuts. Militant copycat a$$e$!

Not to be outdone here in Maine, Gifford's has countered with Maine Deer Sign: a rich coffee ice cream laced with Heath Bar Candy Bars with thick fudge ripple throughout.

Now, not every new flavor I come up with is a hit. I've had my share of failures. My biggest flop while with Kraft General Food's Sealtest Division was the infamous Sticks 'n' Stones – creamy green tea ice cream with real sticks, (twigs, actually, from Ceylonese green tea plants) and Pop Rocks™ cola-flavored candies. That went over like a turd in a punch bowl on New Year's Eve. Seems that when you freeze Pop Rocks™ they turn as hard as a rock! Chomp down on one and it's a guaranteed trip to the dentist. By the time the lawyers got done with us, the only flavor I could sell the marketplace was Sealtest Fish Sticks – frozen mackerel on a stick intended for walrus trainers above the Arctic Circle to keep their fingers from freezing to the fish!

Well, that's the story of my success as an ice cream saboteur, er, entrepreneur. Keep your stick on the ice and the puck ... where it belongs.