It's bound to be a good day when the morning's email brings you a ready-made entry. And here I was, all cramped up from writer's block (or perhaps it is only constipation from too much steak...)
DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - 6 September 2005
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The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome
by honoring those who contrive to remove themselves from it.
This honor is generally bestowed posthumously.
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Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise -- CONFIRMED
3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland
It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammo. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.
But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.
The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack.
The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.
Reference: Blick
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Darwin Award: Damned if You Do... -- CONFIRMED
6 September 2004, Romania
A Pitesti man with a metal ring stuck on his penis was being sought by doctors, after he fled the hospital consumed by panic.
The unidentified 42-year-old claimed he had put the ring on his penis after losing a bet during a drinking game at a pub. He was subsequently unable to remove the ring. Embarrassment kept him from seeking immediate medical help, but after two days, unbearable pain overcame unbearable shame, and he took his smelly and discolored penis in for treatment.
Doctors told him that gangrene had set in, and his life was in danger. The blood supply had been cut off for too long, and there was nothing they could do but remove his penis, so that the necrosis did not spread to the rest of his body.
The manhunt was ongoing. "There is no way he can escape going under the knife," said a doctor. "He must come back to the hospital and accept this." The man’s only consolation is a guaranteed Darwin Award, one way or the other!
Reference: Daily Record (UK), Ananova
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Darwin Award: Playing with Elephants -- CONFIRMED
28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand
It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine feet tall at the shoulder, and the males have tusks that extend over three feet. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia they are used to haul massive tree trunks with their tusks, work performed by heavy equipment in other countries.
It's also no secret that teasing an animal can make it mad. Teasing a nine-foot-tall animal that can carry a tree with its three-foot tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple.
While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a 50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again.
The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. He died on the way to Alor Star Hospital.
Reference: The Star (Kuala Lumpur)
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Honorable Mention: Oops, Did It Again -- CONFIRMED
31 July 2005, Darwin, Australia
A 30-year-old resident of this aptly named town of about 60,000, nestled in the Northern Territories on the Sea of Timor, just wanted to go home. But he was thwarted by two circumstances. First, he lived in an upper-level unit in a high-rise apartment building, and second, he had locked his keys in the apartment.
It was around 4 a.m. Some people do their best thinking in the wee hours of the morning, but our protagonist is not one of them. He concluded that his best course of action was to scale the outside of the building.
He managed to climb a short distance before he fell. Luckily, a parked car was beneath him to cushion the blow with its roof. He pulled himself off the shattered windshield and, unwilling to give up after one small setback, again set out to scale the wall.
This time he reached the third floor before falling. He was less fortunate than before, as he landed on his head, yet also more fortunate, as this knocked him unconscious and saved him from a third attempt.
He survived the fall, and was taken to Royal Darwin Hospital for treatment.
Lest outsiders get the wrong idea of Darwin, Australia, we include a comment from a sergeant on the Darwin Police force: "It doesn't happen every day," he said.
Reference: The Australian, Gold Coast Bulletin
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Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat -- CONFIRMED
28 September 2003, Vancouver, Canada
William, a 36-year-old carpenter, hoped to become a stunt man. He had a brilliant plan. During the Vancouver Film Festival, movie people jetted in from all over the world. He would bungee from the Lions Gate Bridge, gracefully descend to the deck of a passing cruise ship, and disengage from the bungee cable as smoothly as James Bond, to the awe of the ship's passengers. Producers would marvel at his work, and discuss over cocktails who would hire him for their next film.
Stunt men have the advantage of working with stunt coordinators, who carefully plot out each acrobatic feat with unerring accuracy. But William was a do-it-yourself man. He planned for over two years, checking the height of the tides, boat schedules, and deck layouts. He even lined up sponsors and recruited assistants. But, as it turned out, he could have used a stunt coordinator.
The stunt began perfectly. William took a swan dive off the bridge, trailing the bungee cord behind him. He felt it grow taut as it stretched and began to slow his descent. The tennis court of the cruise ship drew nearer. And nearer. And nearer...
He slammed into the deck, hurtled into a volleyball net, bounced against a deck railing, and found himself flying once more into the air, watching the cruise ship sail away.
Although he had failed to make his James Bond entrance, "people on the boat loved it," he told a reporter. "They were screaming, yelling, waving."
A witness, however, described the reaction as "shrieks of horror."
William dangled above the water for a few minutes, confirming that no bones were broken, and making a mental note to use a shorter bungee cord next time. A water taxi positioned itself beneath him, and he gracefully descended to its deck, and smoothly disengaged from the bungee cable.
William is still waiting to hear from the movie producers.
Reference: AP, cnn.com
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Personal Account: Watch Where You're Going
I hired several laborers to prepare two garden areas for me. They needed some supplies, so I showed them the location of ice water and the bathroom, and left to obtain the supplies. Upon my return, I noticed an ambulance in front of my home, along with two police cars.
The police informed me that the neighbor had called 911 to report a naked man screaming and running around the yard next door.
As it turned out, one of the laborers had needed to answer the call of nature. Rather than use the bathroom I had shown him, he went into the woods behind our house, dropped his trousers, and squatted down -- right on top of a huge nest of hornets.
He was released from the hospital after about a week, having learned a very painful and nearly fatal lesson: always watch where you're going.
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Personal Account: Brake Care
Summer 2001, USA
I am a keen mountain-biker, and was the proud owner of a fairly expensive mountain bike. My bike was fitted with 'V' brakes, which are extremely effective, though prone to squealing.
My dear brother decided to have a ride on my bike one day, while I was out. He noticed the squealing as he cycled down the hill we live on, towards the invariably busy crossroads at the bottom. Being a helpful sort, he headed back home and proceeded to pour a generous amount of 3-in-1 oil onto the brakes, before once more setting off down the hill.
The oil worked! The only reported squealing came from my brother, as he slammed into the side of a moving VW Beetle. To this day he sports an impressive scar running from his eye socket to just past his ear. And yes, the bike was totaled.
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ANOTHER DARWIN AWARD: Hold That Bus!
ANOTHER HONORABLE MENTION: Nighttime Fun with Bullets
ANOTHER PERSONAL ACCOUNT: Blast from the Past
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