John M. Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #154: Your Car or Your Computer?

Last week for the Weekend Assignment, I asked folks to tell their stories of computer horror -- computers shutting down, computers freezing up, computers behaving badly. This week, however, I think it's worth asking just how much our computers mean to us -- if we had to choose between them and some other essential object, how hard it would be to make the choice? And so, without further ado, for your consideration: Weekend Assignment #154: Your Car or Your Computer: You must pick only one. Which one do you choose? Yes! You must choose between the car -- beloved icon of American greatness and freedom -- and the computer -- the defining machine of the 21st century. If you choose the car, you do not get to touch a computer again, except for basic work-related purposes at work. If you choose the computer, no more personal wheels for you. And for those of you in a two-car family, there's none of this "oh, I'll just ride in my spouse's car" stuff: Any rides you bum have to be outside your immediate family. Similarly, no using the spouse's or kid's computers, and those of you with super-enabled cell phones will henceforth use them only for phone calls. No Web-browsing, e-mail or text messaging. See, now it's gotten harder, hasn't it? Extra Credit: Which was more expensive: Your first car, or your most recent computer?

Dear John,

This is a tough one. I have been without a computer and a car, albeit not simultaneously. Living out here in the sticks, the nearest “store” is pretty close, actually. It's only a mile and a half from the house. Never mind the fact that a quart of milk is two dollars, a cup of coffee almost as much and a loaf of bread about twice what a quart of milk goes for – all at least 200% mark-up over the supermarket in town. Being disabled, it might as well be fifty miles, though – the odds of my expiring while trying to get there are about the same, either way. Furthermore, there's no way I'd be able to get a five gallon can of gas home for the mower, to say nothing of the 15 gallons of kerosene we go through every three days at the height of winter. Good thing I no longer drink – they have beer, but it's probably going for $6 a six pack for Budweiser bilge water. Saint's preserve us -- imagine what a six pack of Guinness might go for, if they even had Guinness for that matter. The cars make it possible to go to work, to doctors and hospital, to eat, to stay warm, to clothe ourselves, and to broaden our horizons through the occasional trip beyond the local environs. They transport my sea kayak and canoe; they take the pets to the veterinarian. They truly are our lifeline to civilization. Even with gasoline creeping into the $3/gallon range again, out here a car is a necessity, not a luxury. There is no daily public transportation which serves the area I live in – I'd have to go four miles to the nearest bus stop for local service (might as well be 400 miles). A cab ride from the airport to the house is almost $30, so taxis are pretty much out as an alternative. Not a pleasant thought.

Then there's the computer. It's my principal source of communications, music and other entertainment, as well as my photo processing lab, my repository for manuscripts, and the ultimate black hole of time and concentration. I know I can survive without a computer ... but would I really want to? I know I can write novels on lined legal pads – but then would have to pay someone else to put them on disk to submit for consideration. There goes the profit margin!

I am homebound as it is whenever my wife is using the car. Do I really want to increase the amount of time I spend at home, alone? People already think I'm a freaking lunatic. Imagine how much more intimidating I would be if I was alone two times, three times or maybe four times as much as I am already? Scary thought, that.

Equally scary is the thought of trying to hitchhike in this day and age. I remember I once got stuck for a day and a half in west Texas trying to hitch a ride. There were days last month here where exposure of skin would result in tissue death inside of five minutes. Standing on the side of the road, thumb out, hoping for a ride for an hour or two would simply yield a wilsicle! Counter-productive.

Given all that, plus many more issues, I'd vote with my feet – the computer would have to go. I know, there are some who say I could move into a town or city, but frankly, I am not psychologically wired to live in a place where swinging a (frozen, dead) cat by the tail would knock out twenty people and bring the humane agents out with automatic weapons. No, I am not a city boy. I've tried it, I lost it. I'm the kind of quiet, unassuming fellow who is so close to the edge, any built-in stressors like massive populations (i.e. over 20 people per square mile) and I'd end up in a watch tower taking out those 20 and as many more as I could manage before turning the weapon on myself. I have no desire to be the lead on the News at Eleven, thank you very much.

Finally, my fine feathered friend, it should come as no surprise that my first car, purchased with my hard-earned money, cost a fifth of what this computer cost. Of course, if adjusted for the difference between then and now, they cost about the same. Both were obsolete the day I bought them and neither got any better with age. Sad to say, the computer has needed almost as many repairs as that first junker. And so it goes...

Kiss Athena and Krissy on the cheek from the dirty old man in Maine. And cut down on the sugar, my friend, else you end up fat and disabled like me.

wil