Adventures In DSL Land - Episode The First

My, my. Coming up in the world, am I. DSL did I order from Verizon. End of AOL as we know it imminent.

June 21 was "Service Ready Date." Received DSL modem kit in mail last week. Honored by telephone call on the answering machine from Darth Vader, er, James Earl Jones announcing the DSL "force is with you."

Set out to install. Progressing well until the actual test to see if I had a connection to the Internet. Little wheel showing troubleshooting activity spins for 20 minutes, but no joy. Written instructions tell me to do a "power cycle" of the equipment and computer. OK.

Computer and modem turn off just fine. Computer comes back on as expected; not so the DSL modem. Flick the switch. No joy. It won't come back on again. Switch appears busted. Jeez, why me?

Call to Verizon help -- nice man tells me to perform a "power cycle" - I reply that is what got me in trouble in the first place, but do as instructed. No change. Next, "Brian" wants me to plug the power supply into a different outlet. I explain it is the same outlet the computer gets power from -- he is unmoved. So I scramble to get a long extension cord hooked up (there being no more outlets in this room or the next) and bring power from the outlet under the stairs. No change. Put on hold. Endless advertising of the benefits of various Verizon services interspersed with bad Techno and even worse Hip-Hop.

Brian returns. "Do you live at (address)?" Indeed, I do, I admit.

"We're mailing out a replacement modem overnight. Should get there tomorrow. UPS (sic) will pick up with the morning's mail and have it to you overnight."

Now, I don't know about your understanding of the world ... the original modem came from California; I've never heard of the United States Postal Service having guaranteed overnight delivery from anywhere, let alone across country. At one point I asked if he meant FedEx but he kept saying "mail" and "UPS" in the same breath. So silly me, I expect it to arrive in today's mail. Which has come and gone already today. Needless to tell you that there was no replacement modem in with the bills and offers for credit cards I neither need nor qualify for ...

"That's right, I have no job and no income. So you go ahead and send me that Platinum card and we'll see how long it takes before you are prosecuting me for fraud..."

United Parcel Service's last run in this area is at 5:30 PM. I just checked the porch. Aside from another dead critter "gifted" by his majesty, Pumpkin XIII (the Tom in residence), there was nothing new on the porch where UPS folks leave packages, or notices of signatures needed.

And so it goes...

image shamelessly stolen from the Verizon On-line help site. It's the least they could do, under the circumstances.