Tuesday, August 22, 2006

TUESDAY TIRADE: A Very Disturbing Meme...

Would you rather:

1. Watch a porno with your parents OR starring your parents?

I vote for watching the P's do the dirty on the silver screen. My mother was a fox in her younger years. She died over forty years ago ... it'd almost be like watching a stranger.

2. Lick the handle on a public restroom toilet OR eat a wad of toilet paper from the stall floor?

Hmmm, I don't think there's any greater chance of catching something nasty from licking the handle on a public restroom toilet than there was from taking lunch at the narthex of all those women for all those years...

3. Be MC Hammer OR Vanilla Ice?

MC Hammer is a rapper, right? Wasn't Vanilla Ice a movie that Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz were in with that sky-pilot, Tom Cruise?

I don't understand the question.

4. Be able to fly OR read people's minds?

Man, I'd like an FAQ on what these abilities would entail. How fast can I fly? Is the ability to land safely included. Can I shield myself from others thoughts when I need a respite? Can I focus on just one individual or must I hear them all, all the time? Assuming safe landings and a rate of speed greater than a walking pace, I suspect that flying would be the better part of the deal.

5. Have whatever you want for one year then die OR be paralyzed for life?

Easy. Have that slot at the crematory ready for yours truly next year at this time.

6. Have a permanent smile OR a permanent blank stare?

A permanent smile – makes people wonder what you've been up to. I already creep the vast majority of civilians with my stare.

7. Be burned alive OR drown?

Drown, hands down. As a former firefighter, I have a horrendous fear of burning alive. I've come close several times.

8. Be known worldwide as a racist OR a child molester?

Child molester – someone will off me in short order. No sense prolonging the pain.

9. Eat three pounds of hair OR drink a gallon of shampoo?

Can I choke to death on my own penis, instead? Hair, I guess – I've probably consumed that much over the years, anyway. Hasn't killed me yet.

10. Be God OR the devil?

I prefer the role of Devil's Advocate. Does that make me God or just a lawyer?

I look forward to what Paul, Simon, Carly, Kas and Marti make of these. V, I suspect you'd have some great answers, too. All of you, if you want to play along, grab them and start answering for your sins...

Credit to Pammy at Lollygaggin for exposing me to this.

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