More Pissin' and Moanin'

Via my stepson Daniel comes this somewhat technical joke I found amusing:

THE PSYCHIC DOG AND THE TELEPHONE

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called. She explained that on the
few occasions when it did ring, her dog would moan loudly just before her phone
rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the farm, eager to meet this psychic
dog. Although, he was somewhat concerned that the problem was really just a
senile woman.

Upon arrival, he climbed the pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring at first, but then the dog moaned and
the phone could be heard ringing.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
   and chain link collar


2. The ground wire connection to the ground wire was loose


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current whenever the number was
   called


4. After a couple of ringing jolts, the dog would start moaning, presumably
   from the discomfort of being shocked, and then would urinate


5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, allowing the telephone to
   ring.

All of which just goes to show that yes, some problems CAN be fixed by pising
and moaning.

Finalized the repair plans to the trailer yesterday. Neither the local shop nor the manufacturer's service department in Ohio would be able to see us until after the seasonal holiday period. Given my growing distaste for snow and cold weather, I decided that having to stick it out here in sub-tropical Louisiana beat the heck out of freezing my ass off in the parking lot at Airstream in Ohio in two foot of the white crap (with more on the way). I guess we'll just have to let my house freeze this year. Miss our dog, though. She's having an adventure as guardian of a young lady about to have twins! Looks like Willow the Wonderdog will be around for the blessed event! Sorry about that, DG.

Send your cards and gifts to the Olddog via Thibodeau's Gator Farm, Bourne de Bayou, Louisiana, attention to "Old One Arm Willy."

A Walk On The Wild Side

Still in Louisiana and probably will remain here another few weeks trying to get the trailer repairs completed so I don't fill it full of ice and snow when I return to the North Country. Meanwhile, Mary sent this wee bit of humor in this morning's email and I thought I'd share with y'all...

"I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his answer, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye lash in response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


There you go - a wee bit of humor. Hope it brought a smile to your hard-hearted, world-weary, "I-hate-Christmas-Bah Humbug" lips. It did mine. :)

Humor: A Bottle of Wine

This appeared in my email this morning and brought a little smile...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman?

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

Have a good weekend, folks.

Amongst the living...

Still here in the home of Huey P. Long, the KKK and more churches than Carter's has pills. Like the fatted calf, I have been feeding on crawdads, shrimp etoufe, crab-stuffed shrimp and Cane's chicken strips. No photos, yet - left the cable at home for the camera and my daughter's computer hasn't got a card reader.

Am awaiting an estimate for the insurance company for repairs to the trailer. Then, hopefully, we'll be able to get th wheels in motion to effect said repairs - I don't look forward to driving back during heavy snowstorms on the East Coast. The longer we're delayed, the more likely that is going to be the reality...

Trail of Tears, Rips and Breakdowns...

Well, we FINALLY got on the road last Thursday afternoon after a false start. Made it all of twenty miles down the road when it suddenly dawned on yours truly that we (read "I") had left the registration for the trailer at home. Seeing as I'm such a magnet for cops seeking an hollow instrument to thrum their Kubatons upon, I decided discretion is the better part of valor and went back in search of the silly slip of paper. Fruitless after tearing apart the house for two hours, I was saved by my wife's exasperated suggestion I go to the DMV and get a duplicate.
Duh!

A total of four hours later, we left with yours truly waving a registration and shouting "HiHo Silver, Away!"

Made it to somewhere outside of Boston where I grabbed a four hour restorative, then back on the road at midnight for another four hour run to somewhere just north of New York City. Put up for morning drive time and slept while the commuters wailed and gnashed their collective teeth.

Pulled out and hit the road about 9:30 in a drizzle and blustery conditions. All went well until the New Jersey Turnpike. Then the weather gremlins got serious. Stopped at a rest area and waited out the passage of the front somewhere near that hospital that House terrifies. Later the same afternoon, fortified by a nap, insulin and lunch, we "hobby horsed" our way down the New Jersey Turnpike on their trademark concrete and crack filler surface to the snafu from road construction hell at the border with Delaware, the gateway to the Delmarva peninsula.
There's nothing like five lanes of snarled traffic, me in the far left and needing to be in the far right! My wife's "powers of persuasion" (note to self - do NOT allow her to play with the Mossberg 500 JIC in traffic again) got us over to our exit and onto the amazingly complex network of local, unmarked highways and by-ways that constitute the transportation system of Eastern Maryland. Frantic cell calls to the 84 year-young uncle and a firing up of the old Garmin 76s GPS saved the evening and we wallowed into Rock Hall, Maryland under the cover of darkness.

A good thing it was dark, too. My only living relative lives on the main drag in town so you can imagine the mess that'd have ensued if I'd tried to back the Airstream into their driveway during rush hour! Well, y'alled be proud to know I did it first try, like I created the art of backing a 7 1/2 foot wide trailer down an eight foot wide drive!

We had an interesting stay with my peeps. Visited some fun restaurants, worked like a dog trying to get the water and sewage systems functional. We'd hoped to be back on the road on Sunday, but a combination of factors conspired to delay departure until midday Monday. Oh well, so much for visiting Nag's Head and Cape Hatteras on the way down. Instead, for the past few days it's been a steady slog down the Interstates to Louisiana.

Or at least it was until yesterday.

Just outside of Meridian, Mississippi we must have picked up some debris with our tires, because as we climbed the hill at 70 MPH we found ourselves being shaken to within an inch of depositing our kidneys in our shins! Off to the side we went. One tire shredded like you see on NASCAR races, tore up the side of the trailer, shattering the fiberglass inner wheel well and mangling the outer, ABS plastic wheel well and the aluminum shroud in the immediate vicinity. Changing the tire was relatively easy once I got her stopped and my heartrate back to something approaching normal.

No, the hard part was hacking and sawing (with a Ginzu knife) the ABS outer wheel well away that had collected as a hard lump of plastics between the two tires. Two hours on the side of the Interstate took care of that and then the hunt for tires began.

A lovely, soft-spoken young woman at Camperland RV Sales went above and beyond the call of duty to help us find a pair of tires at Ed Cheney's Tire Sales in downtown Meridian.

They got us fixed up with two tires and checked all of our tire pressures and back on the road in less than two hours on the day before Thanksgiving! Amazing service. A tip of the old fedora to the guys down there for helping out this old reprobate yankee hippy!

We made it the rest of the way to our destination in Baton Rouge, Louisiana before 7PM. Badly in need of a shower and some food, family took us in, cleaned us up and fed us more barbecue than I could eat! A good, long night's sleep and a cup of coffee and I am starting to feel almost normal, if normal is 60's and seventies on Thanksgiving morning! :)

So, there you have it, No pictures yet, haven't really had time to take any, but the wife has a few on her cell phone -- I'll see if I can get them off and into machine-useable form. Today we're doing laundry and cleaning out the car. Tonight, we take off to Texas for a Renaissance Faire with the kids and grandmonsters. Seems there's an oil well that blew up and caught fire last week right next to I-10, so it is closed west of Baton Rouge. Oh joy - back roads the whole way! Yippee Ki-Yay, motherhumpers ... ;) More on the flip side.

Adding Insult To Injury...

Nope, not gone yet. On top of my own general malaise and disorganization, the heater in the trailer decided it was going to get finicky. I can't find the problem, but it goes off on thermal cut-off if I leave the cover in place over the heater space. Snow and ice are in the forecast. Not good...

Saturday afternoon, with only an hour and a half of daylight left, I haul out the big half-inch electrical drill to drill the trailer frame for the anti-sway system install and the drill is dead. I mean kaput. No time to waste, I hightail it to town and get a new one, but by the time I fought my way back through the traffic (this is a big shopping weekend for Canadians to come down here, so the town is jammed with Canadians on top of the locals from outlying towns all cramming in for the weekly shopping) the light was gone and the puddle in the driveway was frozen. Ideal working conditions - not.

Saturday night, the freshwater pressure tank on the house's water system decided it was time to give up the ghost. The pump was circulating madly and water was spraying all over the place. Found a water tank at Home Despot and spent six hours changing it out yesterday.

To celebrate, the wife and I went to town to get something to eat and she decides she needs some cash from the ATM. As I was finishing up the transaction for her, the receipt blew under the car, so stupid me pulls ahead, gets out and walks back to get it only to hear the "Ker-thunk" of the ATM eating her debit card! Fuck me with a porcupine!

As today is a bank holiday due to Veteran's Day (Canada's Remembrance Day) we are stuck here until tomorrow morning when, we hope, the bank will finally open and we can attempt to retrieve her debit card. Cause that was what we were going to use to get back on...

If I believed in God, I'd surely expect a flood any day now...

MEME: Wednesday Mind Hump – Almonds Molè

Rfduck is up to his old tricks again:

"Hello again! Hump day is here, so it's time to play. I don't think today's theme (Bittersweet chocolate with almonds day) is very useable, although it is tasty. So we'll talk about lasts today. Name me your:"

Last album/CD/mp3 listened to: Knockin' on Heaven's Door performed by Antony and the Johnsons
Last book read: Chill Factor by Rachel Caine
Last food eaten: Parmigiana Steak Sandwich from Amato's
Last beverage drunk: Coffee (Decaf w/cream)
Last movie watched: Ratatouille
Last item bought: 40 pounds of dog food and 80 pounds of cat food, a carton of cigarettes and a case of Diet Coke for my wife.

Y'all behave now, y'hear? I've gotten stale, so I'm going on hiatus and will return to these precincts, hopefully rejuvenated and ready to write something more than answers to recurrent memes, sometime in early December. Until then, don't do anything I wouldn't do if I still could.

MEME: Monday Music Mambo - A Hero Is Just A Sandwich

Rfduck is hunting for new thrills: “Hello readers! Another mambo is upon us. Today's theme isn't very useable, so I'm going to go with Saturday's theme - Sandwich Day. “

“Make a musical sandwich. Pick a band, musician or instrument for each ingredient.”

Bread (holds everything together) – Bass and drums
Meat (the main attraction, the superstar) – Lead Guitar, Singer, Mick Jagger; Leonard Cohen
Vegetables (crunchy and cool) – U2,
Condiments (makes everything smooth) – Eric Clapton

If you want to, add a side of fries (hot and salty) - Side singers, Perla Battala

Get your copy of the question here.

MEME: Saturday Six - Episode 185

Patrick loves to stir “stuff.” For example: “Here’s a new set of questions based on the ever-popular argument: Mac vs. PC! And I’ll repeat a statement from last week’s set of questions: there are no right or wrong answers…just your own opinions.”

First to play last week: Jude of “My Way.” Congratulations!

Here are this week’s “Saturday Six” questions. Either answer the questions in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your journal…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions. A link to your journal in general cannot count. Enjoy!

1. What was the brand and model (if you remember) of the first computer you remember using? NorthStar Horizon – it was a loaner from my younger brother. He'd built it by hand (literally – thousands of components that needed to be soldered to circuit boards by hand) in 1980 and completed his college thesis with it – the first computer program for calculating ceramic glazes. He sold all rights to it to Corning Glass and it never saw the light of day. The PC world was moving too fast and the standard shifted to IBM PC's shortly thereafter. I'd actually used a computer (IBM mainframe) ten years earlier in college. Lordylordylordy, how I hated punch cards!

2. What year do you remember using a home computer for the first time? 1981

3. Hype aside, which platform do you prefer: Mac or PC? For most people who only need a computer for simple things, for it's ease of use and the quirky nature of its supporters, I prefer a Mac. When I require hardware flexibility, broad (free or inexpensive) software choices the PC + Unix combination is my favorite. What I have and hate is a Micro$oft Windoze PC.

4. Take the quiz: Are you a Mac or PC?

You are a PC

You're practical, thrifty, and able to do almost anything. Appearances and trends aren't important to you. You just like to get the job done.

Are You a Mac or a PC?

5. How fair would you consider the quiz to be based on the responses? I dislike “either/or” quizzes – far too limited a response range. Consequently, it isn't a fair representation of my preferences.

6. If money were no object, what brand of computer would you most likely purchase? A Cray supercomputer.

MEME: Unconscious Mutterings -- Week 248

9 hours, 25 minutes ago

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Assets :: Liabilities

2. Concern :: going

3. Over the top :: histrionics

4. Supplies :: winter

5. Mustache :: beard

6. Doug :: Wizard

7. Coach :: Mentor

8. Bleachers :: hardwood

9. Stripes :: Sargent's

10. Assortment :: odd lots

Clicken ze linken above to get your own blank list of words...

MEME: Friday Fill-In #44

1. _Messing about in small boats_ is my favorite form of therapy.

2. If you get my voice mail you'll hear _a TV or music in the background_ .

3. My favorite product EVER is _the drip coffee maker_ .

4. I see something _more needs to go in the laundry_ .

5. When I'm grumpy _my blood glucose level is probably low_ .

6. _Chewing my beard_ is my strangest habit.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _just relaxing_, tomorrow my plans include _avoiding the heavy rains_ and Sunday, I want to _work over at camp_!

Click on the link above to get your own copy of the blank questions and a place to leave a link to your answers. This is probably my last Friday Fill-In until a week or so after Thanksgiving. See you FFI'ers then.

MEME: Sunday Seven - Episode 113

How flexible are you when it comes to the brands of products you use? If you’re anything like me, you are very rigid about some products, like toothpaste, but a little more flexible when it comes to other products like laundry detergent. I’m going out on a limb, admittedly, with this week’s question, because I’m hoping that you might be able to come up with seven brands of a particular product that you’d use.

If you only stick with a single brand, then pretend that this brand is out of stock and you need to buy something different…just once.

First to play last week: Otowi of “Otowi.” Congratulations!

On to this week’s question!

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
Name the seven brands of shampoo you’re most likely to use.

1. Prell

2. Breck

3. Selsun Blue

4. Head & Shoulders

5. Pert Plus Dandruff Formula

6. Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo

7. Dial Shampoo

MEME: Saturday Six - Episode 184

This week’s questions are a little bit of a departure. For one thing, there’s no quiz. (I may double up next week, but I’ll eventually make up for that.) But the bigger change that makes this set of questions unique is that for each one, you’ll have to choose the greater of two “evils” and explain why you chose that particular one. You might not see both options as an evil; or you might find it impossible to pick one as being significantly worse than the other.

But you should pick which you would find the most offensive, even if you agree with one’s right to take the action, label or position listed.

As always, there are no right or wrong answers…only your own opinions. Let’s give it a try!

First to play last week: Antonette of “Jottings From Jersey.” Congratulations!

Here are this week’s “Saturday Six” questions. Either answer the questions in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your journal…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions. A link to your journal in general cannot count. Enjoy!

1. Which of the following two would you find more offensive if you saw it out in the open in a family restaurant: two men holding hands or a woman breast-feeding a child? Why? The image of the two men holding hands sprang immediately to mind. Probably because this is such a puritanical, straight-laced society here. One just assumes there will be no open displays of emotion by anyone at anytime in a public restaurant. It isn't the affection between men that is shocking, it is the open display of emotion that twists my knickers. It'd be just as bad if it was two women, a man and a woman, a boy and a girl, etc.

2. Which of the following would you find more offensive if you heard someone say it: a blond joke or a racial joke? Why? I take offense to racial jokes. Blonde jokes seem “normal” to me; they were a constant in our all-male household when I was growing into manhood. Even then, despite my father's rabid racism, it was a generally acknowledged rule of the house (between my brothers and I) that one did not joke about race. Once again, this was simply something one didn't do in polite society.

3. Which of these would you generally consider more offensive: An atheist who badmouths Christians, or a Christian who badmouths atheists? Why? Neither offends me – I am an atheist that badmouths Christians on general principles; my only living relative is a born-again Christian who has nothing good to say about Atheists. We agree to disagree. We both hold the other is full of malarkey and deserving of derision. And so it goes ... so forced to choose, why, I'd take offense with the Christian fools who have the temerity to badmouth Atheists in general and me in particular. Just because.

4. Which of the following ideas about a presidential hopeful would you find more offensive: that a woman shouldn’t run for president because a woman doesn’t belong in the White House, or that a black man shouldn’t run for president because a black man doesn’t belong in the White House? Why? As a general rule of thumb, I find women to be more likely to be knee-jerk reactionaries when threatened. If one MUST choose a reason to dislike one or the other exemplars, that'd be mine. I have a particular fondness for my life and peace; I don't need someone in office who is likely to act without careful consideration of the consequences and likely outcomes. We've just had eight years of that form of false bravado. Who needs another four?

5. Which of the following political terms or movements would you find the most offensive: “Pro-Life” or “Defense of Marriage”? Why? The latter strikes me as clutching at straws for the sake of contention for contention's sake. One is about fundamental perception of the so-called sanctity of life. While I disagree, I hold those individuals who do support such a position to have an ethical foundation. The latter is reactionary in the extreme to a perceived threat upon an artificial societal structure with no more importance than the number of leaves on a clover.

6. Which of the following forms of protest are you likely to find most offensive: an animal rights group’s members shedding clothes to encourage people not to buy fur, or a war protest group’s members burning the American flag to criticize war policy? Why? I don't find either offensive. Flag burning I find distasteful, but I recognize it is a protected form of protest. Same with the animal rights group's of removing clothing. I support nudity in general (see below). Given that I must choose for this exercise, I choose the animal rights groups as the most offensive, because they're a bunch of know-nothing liberals who haven't a clue about animal behavior, needs, nor an ethical position to stand on. There, I've chosen. Happy?

MEME: Unconscious Mutterings - Week 247

4 hours, 36 minutes ago

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Inaugural :: Ceremony

2. Pledge :: Boy Scout's

3. String :: ball

4. Trot :: Canter

5. Fitness :: center

6. Cinder :: block

7. Edge :: guard

8. 31 ::

9. Blue :: Lagoon

10. Leather :: Bar

As of this writing, “31” has no significance to me; I may revisit that in future. If you'd like to play along, click this entry's title, above, and leave a link there to your answers on your blog.

John M. Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #189: Amuse me, damn it!



Yeah, that's right. You amuse me for a change. Tell me a joke. Tell me a story. Show me a funny picture. point to a good online video game. Suggest a good book or movie. Link me to a diverting YouTube or AOL Video, like those soda/Mentos fountain things (but not that, I've already seen those). Anything, people, just as long as it's amusing. You know, something you think I would like. Like what, you say? Well, you know. Surprise me.

Extra credit: Share your favorite pun. I love me a good pun.

Dear John,

Fresh out of my own words. Picture and others' scribbles will have to do. Have a nice weekend. Yes, Athena, you're right. That is Uncle Wil's fat ass on his blog ... and your mommy is right. It is better call it a "derrière" or "fat butt" than "ass" but you know how rude I am.

wil

Postus Scriptus Interruptus: On Puns ...

The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability. ~Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia, 1849

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. ~Dave Barry, Why Humor Is Funny

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely back to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he masterminded such a crime and then made such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings....I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A Belated Friday MEME: Friday Fill-In #43

1. The last good thing that came in the mail was _the final issue of Model Railroader (NTS: gots to renew that)_ .

2. This week I'm grateful for _not striking a match to check out the water heater in the trailer – the valve was leaking by..._.

3. _Lobster Pie_ is the most delicious thing ever.

4. _Walt Whitman_ inspires me.

5. I'm most happy when I _by myself_ .

6. And all the roads we have to walk along are _dangerous with high speed traffic_ .

7. As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _rain_ , tomorrow my plans include _more rain_ and Sunday, I want to _get some laundry done and hung_ !

Sad state of affairs: When I asked the clerk at Burger King last night why they persist in asking whether the transaction will be cash or credit, she replied it was "Because we have to calculate your change in our heads if it is cash and the machine does it for credit cards." Bumfuzzled, I just drove away. Has BK taken to hiring psychics to work the drive-in lane so they'll know what bills and coins you'll be using in advance? What change does one concern oneself with when completing a charge card transaction? Finally, what's so bleeding hard about calculating change, anyway? Does no one teach their children how to count out change?

MEME: Wednesday Mind Hump – Match, Point, Game

Hoist by my own petard – I suggested the match game. Oops!

Hello everyone! Welcome to Match Day on the Mind Hump. Match the band member to the band!

a. Tommy Shannon
b. Jack Bruce
c. Eddie Hazel
d. Jerry Douglas
e. Christine McVie
f. Joey Kramer

1. Fleetwood Mac
2. Funkadelic
3. Aerosmith
4. Cream
5. Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble
6. Alison Krauss and Union Station

My answers:

1e, 2c, 3f, 4b, 5a, 6d. - actually, with the exception of Jack Bruce, I had to look all of the rest up to be sure, although I was pretty sure about Jerry Douglas and almost sure about Christine McVie.

MEME: Monday Music Mambo

Mememeister RFDuck isn't feeling the love this week:

"I'm going to do something a little different today. I'm not really liking the themes for this week (used car day and match day), so I'm going to pick my readers' brains and see what kind of themes YOU can come up with. So today's mambo will be:"

1. Name a few random songs you enjoy and want to recommend to others. With direction, a purpose or a goal, I'm fine. THIS question leaves me feeling like I am sinking in a whirlpool of choice, unable to even cip my hands to take a stroke – there's so many different ways to cup your hands, you know? Where Have All The Flowers Gone as sung by Peter, Paul and Mary is particularly piquant in light of recent history in Iraq. Jerry Garcia singing Friend of the Devil is always evocative for me. Maria Muldaur's It Ain't The Meat (It's The Motion) always brings a smile and a twinkle of the eye. Bob Dylan can move me to tears with Ain't Talkin' on the Modern Times album.

2. Give the mememeister one or two themes to use for future Mambos and Humps.

Want us to do your work for you, eh? Well, Russ, just to piss you off, how about one for “Used Car Day” – name all the car songs you can think of. And as to “Match Day,” take a hint from the old “Match Game” and name five songs you think that were better performed as a “cover” than by the original singer. Or, two columns, one songs, the other performers – match the songs to the performers.

I was feeling ornery today. Oh well, you can play by clicking the link above and be magically transported the the MEME: realm of memeister RFDuck and the Monday Mambo. Just don't forget your galoshes.

MEME: Sunday Seven - Episode 112

If you’re like me, you hate the very thought of air travel. But for this week’s question, you’ll have to assume that you must fly somewhere. You can also assume that any airline that operates “normal” routes in the U.S. is available from your nearest airport.

Before first, Annie, of “Head in Knots,” was first to play last week. Congratulations, Annie!

On to this week’s question!

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
Name seven airlines you’re most likely to use if you were flying somewhere.

1. El Al

2. Delta

3. United

4. Alaska Air/Horizon Air

5. Air France

6. Pan American

7. Quantas

MEME: Unconcious Mutterings -- Week 246

4 hours, 53 minutes ago

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Las Vegas :: Sin City

2. Linus :: Pauling

3. Struck :: blow

4. Movie :: theater

5. Anxious :: squirrelly

6. Bandit :: Fritos

7. Picks :: lock

8. Lasso :: lariat

9. Dinner :: date

10. Bargain :: Basement

Click the link to play along.

MEME: Saturday Six - Episode 183

This week, the ayes have it. Make that, the eyes.

But before we begin with the spooky questions, it was BookGal of “Books, Memes and Musings” who was first to play last week. Congratulations, BookGal!

Here are this week’s “Saturday Six” questions. Either answer the questions in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your journal…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions. A link to your journal in general cannot count. Enjoy!

1. When speaking to someone in person, how often do you look them directly in the eye? I make a concious effort to do that, so I suppose my answer would be “frequently.”

2. How likely are you to notice another person’s eye color? I may notice, but I rarely note it (remember it) unless they are out of the norm – say an ethereal, piercing blue iris, for instance.

3. What color eyes does your closest friend have? Brown.

4. Take the quiz: What do your eyes reveal about you? Stupid quiz coming on, I can feel it. Pre-determined by genetics, there's nothing that my eye color will reveal, other than a combination of my mother's blue eyes with my father's hazel eyes. Besides, my eyes used to be hazel – since my heart surgery, they've been brown. Now what does THAT tell you?

What do your eyes reveal about you?(PICS!)Updated created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Anger Your eyes reveal anger, you are likely to blow up over things and over-react. You tend to assume the worst and if it ends up being for the best then well someone else got screwed. I'd advise you to try and find the happier side of things and to remember there is good in this awful world.
Anger								83%
Mysterious								75%
Eyes full of Pain								67%
Passion								33%
Diamond Eyes								25%

5. If you had the chance to permanently change the color of your eyes, and would never be able to change it back to your original color, would you change it? If so, from what color to what color? Maybe. Light blue – less likely to get sunburned from snow and sea exposure.

6. If you were a candidate for Lasik^® eye surgery, do you think you’d have the guts to go through with eye surgery? I am and no, I haven't so far. I hate the thought of anyone messing with my eyes unless there's a medical necessity. Vanity doesn't fit the bill...

Dumbledore is Gay!

The world's Harry Potter fandom is atwitter with the news released last night that J.K. Rowling, author of the second most famous book series, considers Dumbledore, the central father-figure wizard and headmaster, to be gay. She confirmed her opinion last night while kicking off her US tour at Carnegie Hall in New York City, according to a Reuters news story posted at the washingtonpostonline.com site.

"Rowling said she had read through a script for the movie adaptation of the sixth book in the series, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" and corrected a passage in which Dumbledore was reminiscing about past loves by crossing it out and scrawling "Dumbledore is gay" over it.

"Rowling, a mother of three, is now estimated to be worth $1.12 billion, making her the first dollar-billionaire author.

""Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" -- the seventh and final book in the boy wizard series -- became the fastest-selling book in history when it was released in July.

"More than 11 million copies were sold in the first 24 hours in the United States and Britain."

Aside from all the anti-gay bashing and jokes that'll ensue, the most interesting line in the story for me was the one detailing her net worth. Pretty good for a woman who couldn't find a publisher for her first book...

Sabbat Day Humor - Feet of Clay

Courtesy of this morning's email:

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "I've been needing a lawn mower. How much do you want for it?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the cord a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said to the little boy, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, as he rode off, "Just keep pullin' on that cord. It'll come back to ya."

MEME: Friday Fill-In #42

Mememistress Janet explains this week's changes thusly, “My friend Megan originally came up with the Friday Fill-Ins; her life has gotten too hectic for her to continue, so I agreed to take over. Now the Friday Fill-Ins has a home of its own, designed by the spectacularly talented Heather over at Goofy Girl Designs. She nicely incorporated one of my photos into the header and even included a button for you to grab and use on your blog...see it? Do you like?” Here we go! 1. October _sorrows_. 2. _George Bush _ doesn't scare me! (Dick Cheney does, though.) 3. Haunted houses _are passè_. 4. My favorite scary movie is _Nosferatu_ because _he just scares the willies out of me_. 5. _Fuck_ me. (A plaintive wail.) 6. It was a dark and stormy night _but sunny weather was in the following day's forecast_. 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _rain tonight_, tomorrow my plans include _laundry and chores_ and Sunday, I want to _watch the race_!

MEME Magic: Which Book Am I?

You're A People's History of the United States!

by Howard Zinn

After years of listening to other peoples' lies, you decided you've
had enough. Now you're out to tell it like it is, with all the gory details and nothing
left out. Instead of respecting leaders, you want to know what the common people have to
offer. But this revolution still has a long way to go, and you're not against making a
little profit while you wait. Honesty is your best policy.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Found this over at Tundra Medicine Dreams. She's a great read ... give her a try.

MEME: Wednesday Mind Hump - Brain Cells Redux

Intrepid mememeister, RFDuck, is really stretching his neurons these days. Must be that new course he's taking at the free university -- “Brain Surgery For Fun And Profit, or, How to become a serial killer in three easy steps (Stalk, Kill, Repeat).

Hello everyone! Today is Brain Cell Reduction Day for the Mind Hump.

1. What is your favorite brain cell-reducing TV show?
House – it just fries those ganglions by the thousands, trying to keep up with the plot twists and fun.
2. What is your favorite brain cell-reducing website?
Boing, Boing does a pretty good job of frying my brain, particularly if taken in large doses.
3. What is your favorite brain cell-reducing music?
Runrig, a Scottish Celtic Rock/Fusion band.

(From Wikipedia: Run rig, or runrig, is the name for a type of arable cultivation practised in northern and western Great Britain, especially Scotland. The name refers to alternating "runs" (furrows) and "rigs" (ridges). It continued into the 20th century in the Hebrides. In Ireland, a similar system was called rundale.)

To my favorite wood turner:

Happy Birthday. Martha!

(Hi, Jerry!) Swanson

R.I.P. Monday Madness

It's seems to be semi-official. A month has passed without a posting to the Monday Madness site. I guess it's over. It was a good run, while it lasted. Mistress Otto's Pizza Palace and Massage Parlor of Doom is no more. Gone to that big pie in the sky, where every day is "Yes, Mistress. Three bags full, Mistress."

Otto, we'll miss you.

MEME: Monday Music Mambo - Stuff It!

RFDUCK been hitting too many taco stands lately, to wit: “Hola amigos! Ready for another Mambo? Today is Grouch Day. Try not to be too grouchy as you name your . . .

Top five grouchiest musicians.”

I haven't a clue. My head hurts – I don't want to think. I really don't follow musicians that closely. Bah Humbug...

Bob Dylan was very grouchy for awhile when he thought he was a born-again Christian (no small feat for a Jew – no wonder he was grouchy!)

Ted Nugent is a very grouchy guy if'n he hasn't had a cuppa coffee and a cousin to butt-fuck in the morning.

Leonard Cohen has been grouchy ever since his manager made off with his entire nestegg and left him without any income at all. Frankly, if it had been me, I'd be hunting the bastard down still.

Brian Wilson has been a grouch most of his adult life. Being addicted to cocaine does that.

Finally, Danny Bonaduce has been a grouch since he realized he has no talent and never did.

There's your list, Rfduck. Stuff it up your cloaca!

MEME: Sunday Seven - Episode 111

Hey! That title rhymes!

Anyway, we all have them…that one place in the house — usually a drawer — where those miscellaneous items that you can’t find a better place for always end up. That’s the topic of this week’s question!

Before first, Otowi, of “Otowi,” was first to play last week. Congratulations!

On to this week’s question!

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
Name seven items in your “junk drawer.”

1. Cheesecloth

2. Warranty info for kitchen appliances, coupons, misc. instruction sheets

3. corks

4. kerosene storm lamp wicks

5. corn cob holders

6. a very dead Eveready Zinc storage battery

7. a dead analog Nokia 918 cellular tracphone

Click the link – do your thing. (P-ew! LexyCat just laid a turd bomb in the litter box three rooms away so vile, it simply astounds me that such an evil odor could emanate from such a tiny cat!”)

MEME: Unconcious Mutterings - Week 245

Week 245

10 hours, 28 minutes ago

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Illicit :: liaisons
   
2. Go :: Team!
   
3. Jacket :: Blazer
   
4. Blow :: cocaine
   
5. Coach :: badly
   
6. Effort :: maximal
   
7. Leadership :: Ineffective
   
8. Snore :: Obstructive Sleep Apnea
   
9. Fearless :: Fosdick
   
10. Network :: Sniffer

Do the clickety thing on the title above to get a clean copy of the word list for your own use.

MEME: Saturday Six - Episode 182

Patrick seems to be fixated on Halloween. An interesting contrast for such a devout Christian, no? Here's his remarks for this week:

We’re quickly approaching Halloween, so I thought another set of questions on this theme would be in order. But before we begin with the spooky questions, it was Otowi of “Otowi” who was first to play last week. Congratulations!

Here are this week’s “Saturday Six” questions. Either answer the questions in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your journal…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions. A link to your journal in general cannot count. Enjoy!

1. If you’re all alone on a dark and stormy night when a particularly scary movie comes on, will you watch it or change the channel? I generally won't watch scary movies of the slasher or Freddy Kruger variety. A good suspense tale is fine and I have a special fondness for vampires and werewolves and other beasties that inhabit the archetypical conciousness of humans' minds.

2. If you could remake any old horror movie, which one would you choose and why? Why remake old films – leave them be. I might be cajoled into offering a new interpretation of such a classic as An American Werewolf in London though, just because it is getting dated.

3. If you had the chance to spend the night in a room that you really believed was haunted by a malevolent ghost, would you? As I don't believe in ghosts, spirits, souls, etc. I am sorry but the answer would be no. The question is null.

4. Take the quiz: What is your Halloween personality?

I don't wear Halloween costumes. Even when required to at work, my sole concession was to wear a half-mask as a walrus. Koo-koo-ka-choo.

What Your Halloween Habits Say About You

The scariest thing on Halloween is you! You definitely don't want any kids in costumes crossing your path - and you're willing to scare away any who do. No one quite understands you, but everyone also sort of worships you. And that's exactly how you like it. Your inner child is stubborn and a bit bossy. You fear people taking advantage for you. You are always worried about protecting your own interests. You're logical, rational, and not easily effected. Not a lot scares you... especially when it comes to the paranormal. You are a traditionalist with most aspects of your life. You like your Halloween costume to be basic, well made, and conventional enough to wear another year.

What's Your Halloween Personality?

5. Who is your favorite horror writer/novelist? Laurell K. Hamilton, author of the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series. Tanya Huff and her Blood... series is a close second. Stephen King is a master, but not always my cuppa.

6. How many years has it been since you last went trick-or-treating? By my best estimate, it has been about 25 years since I last went trick or treating. My kids were 12 and 14 then. Good times.

I'll be sitting at home, minding my own business on All Hallow's Eve. You are welcome to visit – it's the scariest, spookiest house on the road for miles – all year long. My dog, Willow the Wunderhund, will be most happy to greet you. Or is that “eat you”? Hard to tell with a 135 pound Mastiff-Rottweiler cross. Ignore the dog if you must, but beware of the owner. Bwahahahaha!

So What Do You Think?

I took this questionnaire to discover what my Daemon is, within the world of The Golden Compass movie coming out in December. It turns out my Daemon is a Snow Leopard named Aurora. Do you agree with my self-assessment? Answer the questions of this mini-quiz below and you can influence the outcome!






P.S. If you do this for yourself, leave a link in the comments here so I can check out your Daemon, too. By the way, I originally saw this over at Smukke's blog, Small Adventures. Do pay her a visit...

MEME: Weekend Assignment 187: You're Late!

Weekend Assignment #187: Share a story about when you were once memorably late to something. Late to a big event? To a date? To a wedding? Your wedding? If you were late, and it made for a good story, that's what we want to hear.

Extra Credit: How many times do you have to hit the alarm clock before you get up in the morning?

Dear John,

Wicked feeling just came over me. Dizzy, mild nausea, overall feeling of doom. Being the sharp tack that I am, I recognize it as the writer's equivalent of deja vu – in this case, the sub-set of symptoms equals “been there – done that.” I refer of course, to Weekend Assignment #140 and my response thereto.

wil

So, for extra credit, I will confess to using a stereo turned up loud and at least two alarm clocks, often times three, in order to get up for work in the morning. All my love to Krissy and the wee monster.

MEME: Friday Fill-In #41

1. Once upon a time _there was a naughty little girl_.
2. _Kicking,_ screaming and _carrying on, I bore my comatose wife into the Emergencies Department_.
3. _Screw_ white tea and ginger. (Give me bourbon and branch any day).
4. Way down _on my list of priorities..._.
5. Keys _Check_; locks _locked_
6. Have you seen _the California Raisins_? They're so _yummy_!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _fixing the garage door_, tomorrow my plans include _staying dry_ and Sunday, I want to _close up camp for the season_!

Coming Soon To A Bookseller Near You!

Said with an Aussie accent: "Shauna Reid all about it here."

Also, as noted by the author, "WARNING: Rack of cartoon may be more impressive than rack of author."

Rest assured, as a long-time fan of Shauny's scribblings, it'll be a helluva funny book.

Available in the United Kingdom on 1 January 2008. USA availability to be determined by the buying habits of some silly pommes. Sad, that.

MEME: Wednesday Mind Hump - Soothing Tux

So says Rfduck the music-loving mememeister: “"Greetings to all humpers! Today is Tuxedo Day."

1. Name three people you'd like to see in a tuxedo.
I'd like to see Kenye West, Kyle Busch and Manny Rodriguez in tuxes – they all tend towards looking very sloppy when not in their team uniforms.
2. Black tux or white tux - which do you prefer?
Despite my beard and long hair, I am a traditionalist (Mountain Man is a tradition, isn't it?). Therefore, it is black tuxedos all the way for me.
3. According to ZZ Top, every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. If you're a woman, which sharp dressed man are you crazy about? If you're a man, which sharp dressed lady are you crazy about?... Hmmm, Angie Harmon - actress, Padma Lakshmi (Top Chef judge), Lucy Liu, actress.

MEME: Monday Music Mambo -- Distaff Side

Ya think maybe our Mememeister, RFDuck, is feeling a bit, er, randy? Ya think? Well, see for yourself, then...

“Hello everyone! Today's theme is tube top day. Who wears tube tops? Women! So we'll change it to Rockin' Women Day.”

“Tell me your . . .”

Favorite female (rock) singer – Janis Joplin
Favorite female guitarist – Judy Collins
Favorite female bassist – I drew a blank on this one for the longest time and then it hit me (or I regained conciousness – whatever) -- Zoey Berkowitz, bassist extraordinaire, limited engagements at Mary's Place and Callahan's Key...
Favorite female singer from any genre – Joan Baez

Finally, be daring and tell us who is the . . .

Queen Of All Music – A tough one, this. Methinks in my lexicon, it has to be Joni Mitchell in the past half century.

Have a nice week, folks.

MEME: Sunday Seven - Episode 110

From ketchup to mayo to tartar sauce, there’s almost no end to the list of condiments available to give our meal just the right flavor. That’s a good thing, because you should have plenty of options for this week’s question.

Before first, Jude, of “My Way,” was first to play last week. Congratulations, Jude!

On to this week’s question!

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
Name the seven condiments you use most often.

1. Black Pepper

2. Paprika

3. Salt

4. Lea & Perrin's Worcestershire Sauce

5. Tamari

6. Five Spice Powder

7. Ketchup

   Click the link above to get your own copy of this week's question and have a place to leave a comment about your answers, too.

MEME: Unconscious Mutterings – Week 244

Free association is described as a "psychonanalytic procedure in which a person is encouraged to give free rein to his or her thoughts and feelings, verbalizing whatever comes into the mind without monitoring its content." Over time, this technique is supposed to help bring forth repressed thoughts and feelings that the person can then work through to gain a better sense of self.

That's an admirable goal, but for the purposes of this excercise, we're just hoping to have a little fun with the technique. Each week I'll post ten words to which you can respond to with the first thing that comes to mind.

"Rules are, there are no rules." There are no right or wrong answers. Don't limit yourself to one word responses; just say everything that pops into your head. AND you don't have to have your words up on Sunday. Take all week if you want! Read the FAQ for more information.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Week 244

11 hours, 31 minutes ago

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Cluster :: Fuck

2. Announcement :: Special

3. Respect :: Demand

4. Incident :: Report

5. Accordion :: Squeeze Bag

6. Drunk :: Disorderly

7. If :: Then :: Else

8. Dexter :: Shoe

9. Wedding :: Dress

10. Gambling :: Disease

Be sure to visit La Luna Niña for your personal list of words as well as a repository to announce that you, too, have participated in this week's Unconscious Mutterings!

MEME: Saturday Six - Episode 181

Numbers play a big part of daily life. This week’s questions are all related, in one way or another, to numbers.

But before we start counting to six, kudos goes to Jude of “My Way” was first to play last week. Congratulations, Jude!

Here are this week’s “Saturday Six” questions. Either answer the questions in a comment there, or put the answers in an entry on your journal…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions. A link to your journal in general cannot count. Enjoy!

1. If you were to count to three on your fingers, would you hold up your thumb, index and middle finger, or your index, middle and ring finger?

2. What was the last thing you remember counting in your home? Unmatched socks – I think there were seventeen that the Sock Monster had eaten.

3. When you are listening to someone who uses repetitious phrases when speaking, such as, “you know,” how many of them do you generally need to hear before you begin subconsciously counting the occurrences? I don't count them.

4. Take the quiz: What is your expression number? Boy, does this miss the mark by a mile or what:

Your Expression Number is 3

A natural performer, your destiny lies in writing, speaking, acting, or teaching. Imaginative and unique, you have a natural creative talent in the arts. You're also a natural salesperson. You can easily sell your ideas and yourself. A total optimist, you are enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly and social - and people are taken by your charm. Your role in life is to inspire, motivate, and raise others' spirits. At times, you can seem a bit superficial. Sometimes you're a bit unfocused and too easygoing. You're best off when you don't dwell on trivial matters, especially gossip.

What's Your Expression Number?

5. You’re calling a friend on the telephone and he’s not home: assuming he didn’t have voicemail, do you actually count how many rings go by or do you just hang up after a time you feel is sufficient for him to answer? I have a standing rule to let it ring ten times and then hang up if an answering machine or voice-mail or call-forwarding haven't intervened. It's something they taught us at the Rand Corporation.

6. You go out to eat and you order a plate of twelve chicken wings. Do you actually count them before eating? Sometimes, particularly if they “appear” to be short.

MEME: Friday Fill-In #40

Friday Fill-In #40

Questions this week are courtesy of Amy; thanks Amy!!! 1. If I were a tree I would be_a Quercus Alba or White Oak_ because_I'd be able to bend without breaking, especially when steamed!_ 2. If I were a bird I would fly over _Machu Picchu_ 3. If I were a book I hope I would be _a reference volume used for years_ 4. If I were a car _I'd want to be a SAAB_. 5. If I could get rid of one piece of technology it would definitely be _cell phones_ because _no one needs to be constantly in touch -- we all need "down time"_. 6. If I could get rid of one bad habit at a snap of the fingers it would be _procrastination_ 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _a bright sunny day_, tomorrow my plans include _work at camp_ and Sunday, I want to _watch the race_!

Do the clickey thing on the link above to get a pristine copy of the questions, you neat freaks!