John M. Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #170 -- Kitchen Tips

Weekend Assignment #170: Share a useful tip for the kitchen. It can be about anything from cooking to cleaning, as long as it involves something in the kitchen (which, for the purposes of this assignment, includes the pantry and the table you eat at).

Extra credit: You're ten and allowed to cook a meal. What do you cook?

Dear John,

Weather here has been off and on this week. High of 89° and muggy with thunderstorms one day and a low of 36° after a startlingly clear night that was just made for lying out on a hillside in a snug sleeping bag counting stars. Except for the visitor...

We've got a bear in the neighborhood. Two nights in a row. Tuesday night / Wednesday morning I was aroused from my trance in front of the boob tube by an awful clatter and the sound of tires squealing. Took off running to check it out, flipped on the big outside floods (1.2KW) and opened the door to hear thrashing and crashing as something made it's way across the blackberry patch crushing canes as it went. There was a car stopped out on the road beyond the trees. But, without a sidearm, I wasn't going out there in the dark. Slowly, the car made its way down the hill and stopped at the edge of the drive. The window rolled down and someone said something that sounded like “trash bag, road, Bear.” From such cryptic words I was able to deduce that said bruin, most likely a recently evicted yearling, was attempting to haul a trash bag down the road when said car crested the hill at umpity-ump miles per hour, as is the wont of late night denizens behind the wheel in these parts, only to discover a largish brown-black mass waving a black plastic bag around, mindless of its appointment with a cold metal death only nanoseconds away. Not sure who was scared more. Driver yielded, bear fled, trash bag left in the road (which is why it is illegal to put trash out the night before, by the way).

Anyway, my kitchen tip is about preparing bear steaks. They tend to be, well, gamy. And tough. Particularly if the hunter isn't skilled at field dressing, skinning or how he transports the carcass. Or how long and under what conditions he hangs the meat. Bear fat is similar in texture to human fat and turns rancid just as fast, despite refrigeration (or freezing!) so all steaks must be trimmed of as much fat as possible. Then there's the whole issue of wild omnivores and parasites. Again, like humans and pigs, trichinosis and other diseases are a possibility, due to encysted parasites.

So here is a quick way to deal with the whole plethora of issues – get yourself a 2 liter of Mountain Dew (the heavy duty, full of sugar and caffeine variety, not “diet”), say a little prayer to the Ursus Gods and smother those steaks in onions and Mountain Dew – completely cover the meat with the soda. Cover on the counter for at least an hour, two is preferable (oh, refrigerate if you must, weakling, but two hours is the maximum marinade time as there will be no further improvement in flavor beyond that point) and then remove each slab and rinse off the Dew and any cysts that have disgorged their wormy contents off the steaks, dry, rub down with a half a clove of garlic on both sides and then coat with black pepper and Spanish paprika. Heat some olive oil in a pan over medium high heat (if using open flame, rub the oil on the steaks with the pepper and paprika). Brown both sides, about 2 minutes a side. Pour in a cup of Guinness stout and partially cover, allowing the liquid to braise the meat until tender, about ten minutes. The liquid should be reduced by at least half. Remove the steaks to a platter and cover. We want them to finish cooking from internal heat. All bear meat must be cooked to an internal temperature of at least 180 degrees Fahrenheit. Add a mix of butter and flour sufficient to take up the braising liquid and make a gravy. Serve with baked potatoes and fresh, steamed broccoli spears and even the distaff side of the family will have no complaints. The Mountain Dew has not only fulminated all encysted critters from the tissue, it's a great marinade, producing a sweet tang in the meat that plays off the Guinness gravy as if made solely for that purpose (when we all know it was invented to keep coders awake for 36 hours at a stretch). Bon appetit!

By the way, I learned all of that from my mother and father when I was a mere slip of a boy. I might have been ten. They used Rolling Rock lager, as that what was on hand (my mother used it instead of “Calgon, Take Me Away” when bathing, She liked the first few icy cold sips. The rest she used as a hair treatment, like a cream rinse without the cream...). I prefer the Guinness as it has more body and flavor.

My favorite dish to prepare at the age of ten was open-faced bacon, tomato and cheese sandwiches, prepared under the broiler. Quick, easy and satisfying. Yum!

Glad to hear you all survived the Zombification of America the other day. Give my best to Krissy and Athena. Take care of yourself, too. You're looking a little green around the gills. Oh, I see. It's just the Creation Museum thing that has you dyspeptic.

Bwahahahaha!

wil

P.S. The Mountain Dew works to marinade any kind of red meat. Thicken with garlic, chiles, and molasses and you have Dew Jerk Sauce for the BBQ. It's the concentrated OJ that does it. And it really does force the rapid evacuation of parasites from meat... tell Athena it's fun to watch them come up out of the meat. Look for little streams of bubbles, much like looking for clams at the beach...