John M. Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #173

John has this to say about this week's assignment: “I'm busy packing for a (yet another) trip, so I'm going to make this Weekend Assignment dead simple and hopefully fun:” “Weekend Assignment #173: Share a joke. Make it funny. Also, since I'll want to link back to them, and I am, after all, but a cog in the great AOL machine, keep it reasonably clean and free of ethnic/sexual put-downs. You know.” Extra Credit: So, ever been to Kansas City? Because that's where I'm going.

Dear John,

Being an old phartoid, most jokes that I can recall, on a day when the synapses even remember what jokes are, tend to be of the lewd, crude and tattooed variety. So be it. I'm more or less happy in this skin after wandering the planet in a fog for nearly sixty years, so I admit that my sense of humor isn't the mainstream. Couple that with CRS¹ and I am not the man you turn to for a postprandial comedy routine. For that, you need a Groucho Marx, Milton Berle or Bob Hope.

Now, you probably AREN'T going to be able to share this one with your AOL readers, but what the heck – it tickles my funny bone:

Did you know anal tourism was a big deal in academia?

A female undergrad walks up to the desk for help.
"Hi, I'm looking for anal tourism research." She says.
I could not have heard her correctly.
"Um, what?" I reply.
"I'm looking for anal tourism research."
Like Thailand and Vegas? "I think there is a typo." I counter.
"No, my professor was very specific about anal."
I don't ask if there was an oral exam. "We can take a look, but I don't think that's right."
"Please? Anal research is important, I need it bad."
I start searching in the catalogue, typing in 'annal' to end this.
"It's anal, A-N-A-L. Anal was at the top of the list of the things he wanted."
I bet it was. "We don't have it under that listing."
"Well, how can I get Anal Tourism Research?"
Some Barry White, some K-Y, some minor discomfort...
"How about we try some variant spellings?"
"But I want anal."
"Please trust me on this." I don't want my boss to walk over while she shouts "I want anal!" again.
"Here we go, Annals of Tourism Research."
"But, anal…"
"Is something very different."
I could see the dawning in her eyes as she made the connection.
"I, anal, oh my god."
"Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Even when coeds are begging for me to give them anal, I'm still a professional.

From The Society of Librarians Who Say "Motherfucker".

Alright, alright. Not safe for consumption by the grandkids. But, you gotta admit, it was funny.

Here's one. Clean, safe for most, doesn't attack any ethnic group that will burn flags or effigies in the morning, likely to pass over the heads of any grandchildren under 24 or so:

Julie Andrews turns 69 -

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2006, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.


When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', (slightly edited for content)
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.


When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

That's what YOU have to look forward to in a few decades, my son. Ain't life grand?

Kansas City -- great steaks and barbecue, smoky dives and wonderful blues. Food and music. Good rye whiskey to be had locally, too. That's what I remember about KC.

Best always to Krissy and Athena – be sure to wind up Kodi and settle him into attack mode as you head out the door. Wouldn't want the women folk getting molested by the restless natives thereabouts.

wil

¹ CRS = Can't Remember Stuff.