Saturday, July 21, 2007

John M. Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #175: TV or Bacon?

John's “feeling a bit daffy at the moment,” to wit:

Weekend Assignment #175: TV or Bacon?
By which I mean, you have to choose one of these two things. Whichever you choose, you get to continue to enjoy. The one you don't, you lose forever. So which will you choose? The pixellated, phosphorescent pleasures of television's hundreds of channels? Or the smoky, meaty pleasures of bacon? You must choose!

Why TV and bacon? Well, because they are two things most people seem to like, and they are (usually) entirely unrelated, which makes choosing between them more interesting.

Caveats: Assume "TV" also to mean any form of entertainment originally broadcast or intended for TV; no "well, I'll just watch Heroes on my computer" weaseling out allowed (you can still watch movie DVDs on your computer). If you're a vegetarian and/or Jewish and/or Muslim (and therefore don't eat bacon), you may substitute some other beloved food product, but has it has close to a bacony experience as your dietary restrictions allow. For non-Americans, assume that all bacon sub-types are involved here, not merely the narrow American definition of it. Got it? Excellent.

Also: Aside from dietary restriction scenarios, no "bacon" substitutions, like Kevin Bacon or Roger Bacon. Honestly. That's just silly.

Extra credit: Current favorite TV show and/or variety of bacon.

Dear John,

I'm going to make this short and sweet.

If I am given this choice and only this as a choice, the bacon has to go. My already clogged arteries thank you. My FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner, i.e. my primary care provider), especially thanks you. My cardiologist thanks you. The programming departments at numerous over-the-air and satellite/cable networks thank you, too. Heck, even Nielsen, Arbitron and Gourmet Magazine thank you.

I confess, I watch way too much television. But, as I hinted above, I probably eat more bacon than I should, too. Old habits die hard (they are also a bear to get off, but that's a whole different story). I figure I have a pretty good chance of simply dying from a heart attack or stroke. But, there is that fear that I will get shoved into a nursing home after surviving a bloody stroke (because there's no assisted suicide allowed in this great country of ours) leaving me with naught to do but watch TV, spittle drooling onto my chest, for twenty-four hours a day (between naps and bed baths – I likes me a bed bath (kinky, I know)). Despite your overwhelming preoccupation with bacon, the thought of spending the entire day unable to get out of bed, forced to watch the nursing home cat stroll in and out of my room with it's bacon taped to it's flank is more than I can bear.

So give me TV or give me death. Or both. Just make it swift.

Hugs and kisses to your lawful issue and that really cute Doctorette of Philosophy...


Postus Scriptus Interruptus: This week, Top Chef and The Next Food Network Star were amongst the favorite shows. While it's rare to get a really bad piece of bacon, my favorite is Maple Flavored Bacon by the Smithfield Packing Company, Smithfield, Virginia; thick slices, natural and artificial maple flavors with a wonderful touch of maple smoke.

1 comment:

Carly said...

:) Hi Cutie

Yep, I must agree, bacon will have to go. I am feeling every bit 45 this morning, and it reminds me that the health fun is about to begin. Sigh. Like someone once said, "If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself." LOL. Glad to know you are taking care of yourself, we need you around the playground. :)

Always, Carly :)